A Difficult Post to Write

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Some people wonder why I am so open about our adoption process. I write about the decisions we make. The doubts and fears we have. I share info when we get referrals and I've written about the numerous times those referrals fell through. No one has to know every detail...and believe me, I don't share every detail, but I do share a lot. You may not know it through my blog, but I'm a pretty introverted person. My blog has allowed me the confidence to open up with people all over the country and world about what our process has been like. My husband and I feel blessed that God has softened our hearts to the orphans and vulnerable children of the world. I love sharing that passion with my readers. I would be honored if God used me in any way to inspire others to consider adoption. However, I would never be at peace with myself if I didn't share every side of adoption.. not just the happy, mountain top experiences. That would be misleading to make people think adoption was nothing but happy, easy and fun. It is mostly not any of those things. It IS absolutely beautiful, but also dark, scary, uncertain. We've had no choice, but to depend on God and pray that his plan will prevail while he gives us the patience to wait on that plan to be revealed.

God has revealed a bit more of his plan to us over the past few days. Brian and I were both starting to feel uneasy. Our Congolese adoption began to speed up and some of the details of our St Vincent adoption were uncertain. When we started down the St. Vincent path we knew we would also eventually get another referral for Congo, but we didn't expect it to be soon. When we did get a referral quickly, with all that we've been through we certainly didn't expect the process to progress for many months. Then we got word our case went to court! This is HUGE! Our sweet girl in Congo was left abandoned and severely malnourished. Our main concern and bold prayer is that she will be home with us by Christmas (if not sooner!) so we can provide her with the nourishment and love she has been lacking.

To be honest, we wondered at one point if we should adopt from Congo at all. We've had referral after referral fall through, then the ultimate pain of a sweet girl passing away in an orphanage that we thought was going to be our daughter for half a year. Every time we tried to pull out of Congo, God would reveal something new that kept us going and gave us confidence in the program. Then we heard about this sweet abandoned baby girl. We just couldn't back out now. We had been completely excited and ready to take on two sweet daughters for the past couple of months. Then our Congo caseworker told us our process could be complete in as little as four months now that our case passed court. Even if both girls were completely healthy and happy, we were concerned about the impact of so much change on their little hearts so soon.. and the impact on our sons.

We made the difficult decision last week that we would remain in the Congo program but discontinue our St. Vincent adoption. Upon revealing this to our coordinator in St. Vincent we got news that Baby E's birth mom had decided to take her back. This would be wonderful if it were for the right reasons, but I truly believe the birth mother has made this decision to benefit herself. I don't feel right going into details, but although Brian and I felt at peace about the reality that E wasn't meant to be our daughter I was completely heartbroken when I heard she was going back to her birth mom.

We know of a wonderful family who is extremely interested in pursuing a St. Vincent adoption. I pray that if it's God's will Baby E would be able to join their family very soon-if the birth mom really does have the wrong motivation for taking the baby back. I just pray that she is safe and fed and well taken care of where she is now.

I already love the country of St. Vincent and the wonderful woman who has been taking care of Baby E. She has a beautiful heart for children and for the Lord. I'm not sure what God's plan is for our family regarding St. Vincent, especially now. The truly awesome thing is that he has given me a peace. A sweet "sister mommy" going through the adoption process reminded me about how God protected the Israelites in the desert by going before them and coming behind them...and how he protects us in the same way. He has gone before us in our processes, already fighting our battles. We need only to have faith and trust!

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.                                                               -Psalm 27:13-14



My sweet boy and his shield of faith